Jokes
A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times,approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"
The well dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?"
"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
"You are not going to throw it away in some fishing gear, are you?" asks the gentleman.
"No way, I don't fish," answers the bum.
"You wouldn't waste the money on a bird lease, would you?" asks the man.
"Never," says the bum, "I don't hunt."
The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him.
"Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"
"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, fish, or hunt."
Four buddies were fishing on their weekly fishing trip and one remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to his favorite lake, meet his buddies and get in a good day of fishing. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the lake.
The first guy says, "Boy this fishing trip cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it.
"Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turn to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this fishing trip. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, "Well babe, is it sex or fishing? "and she said, "Take a sweater."
A guy walks into a sporting goods store and walks over to the fishing area. He begins looking at some spinning rods. He looks for a while and selects two rods, then walks over to the counter where a man is standing behind the register.
The man behind the counter is wearing sunglasses, and is apparently sight-impaired. The man with the rods says, "Excuse me, but I was wondering if you could tell me which of these rods is the better one, you see...I'm buying one for my brother, but I can't decide which I should get." The salesman holds out his hands and asks the man to hand him both rods. He takes one in each hand and shakes them a bit. The customer stands there wondering what is occurring.
After about a minute, the salesman holds out the rod in his right hand and proclaims, "Here ya go Sir, you want the LandCaster 200, it's by far the better rod, and at twenty bucks it's a steal."
The customer is dumbfounded. He is in awe of the mans' insight into his product. He is very impressed.
Just as he reaches for the rod, however, he suddenly breaks wind right there at the counter. And it's not a light one either. It's perfectly violent. The customer is incredibly embarrassed, until he realizes that the salesman could not possibly know it was him that broke wind. There are no other customers in the area, so he feels so much safer. He tells the salesman, "Fine then, I'll take it"
The salesman rings up the sale. He then says, "Okay Sir, that'll be twenty-five dollars and fifty cents"
The customer is taken aback.
"I'm sorry," the customer says, "didn't you say the rod was twenty dollars?" The salesman replies,"Yes sir, it sure is, but the duck-call is three bucks and the catfish stink-bait is two-fifty."
A man was sitting in his boat, lighting sticks of dynamite and throwing them into the water. The dynamite would explode, dead fish would rise to the top and he would scoop them up in his net.
A game warden approached him and asked what he was doing. The guy replied, "fishing." The game warden said, "Hey buddy, that's not fishing, you can't do that." The guy lit another stick of dynamite and threw it in the water and repeated the process of scooping them up.
The game warden was furious." I said, YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" He shouted.
Finally the guy lit another stick of dynamite, handed it to the game warden and said, "You wanta talk or do you wanta fish?"
Billy Bob and Jethro decide to go ice fishing. After arriving at the lake early in the morning, they cut two holes in the lake and drop their lines in the water. After fishing for a few hours, Billy Bob has caught dozens of fish while Jethro hasn't even gotten a bite. Jethro asks, "Billy Bob, what's your secret?"
Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."
Jethro asks, "What did you say?"
Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."
Jethro again asks, "What?"
Billy Bob spits into his hand and says, "You gotta keep the worms warm!"
One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."
He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, :There's no fish down there."
He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"
"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."
A couple of young guys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the game warden! Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods and hot on his heels came the game warden. After about a half mile, the guy stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the game warden finally caught up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin license, boy!" the warden gasped. With that, the guy pulled out his wallet and gave the game warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes sir," replied the young feller. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one..."
One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tire outside a monastery. A monk came out and invited him inside to have dinner and spend the night. The motorist accepted. That night he had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef. Entering the kitchen, he asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?" "No," the man replied, "I'm the chip monk."
Fishing rule #1: The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
Fishing rule #2: The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you.
Fishing rule #3: Fishing will do a lot for a man but it won't make him truthful.
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four trout. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?" "Why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them." "Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy." "But why?" "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
There was a priest that loved to stream fish. One year there was a problem every time he had a chance to go fishing the weather was bad or it was on Sunday, when he had to work. All year he was unable to go. Finally it was the last week before the streams closed. The weather was bad all week until Sunday, when the weather was great. The priest could not resist, he called a fellow priest claiming to be very sick and asked if he could take over his sermon.
The flyfishing priest drove over 200 miles, not wishing to see anyone he knew. An angel seeing the priest playing hooky went to God and said "Your not going to let him get away with this are you?". God agreed he should do something .
The first cast the priest made was perfect. The fly floated past a log and a huge mouth gulped the fly down. For 45 minutes the priest ran up and down the stream fighting the mighty fish. At the end he held a 50" world record rainbow trout.
Confused the angel asked God, "What are you doing?".
God replied "Think about it, who's he going to tell?"
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. "You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!" The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling. The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.
"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman. The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"
Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?" The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate responds "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"
"Well...," replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch?"
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook".
Near a highway bridge several boats were scattered about in the lake as there was the Annual Bass Catchers Classic fishing tournament in progress, when a funeral procession came by on the bridge. Everybody just kept on fishing except for one fisherman, who put his fishing pole down, stood up, removed his hat and remained in that fashion until the funeral procession was passed. A nearby fisherman happened to see this and was impressed at how respectful the man had been, so he cranked up his boat and pulled up beside the other mans boat. "Howdy, I saw how considerate you were toward that funeral procession, pausing and standing like that. I wish I had been as thoughtful"
The other man replied, "I reckon it's the least I could do. After all, we'd been married for nearly 30 years."
Bill, Fred, and John were out fishing. Suddenly Bill caught a huge fish that pulled him off the boat and into the water. Fred dived off the boat and came up a few minutes later with Bill. John did mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and commented, "I don't remember Bill having such bad breath!" Fred looked at Bill and said, "I don't remember Bill wearing a snowmobile suit, either!"
Heard about the three blondes that went ice fishing and didn't catch anything? By the time they cut a hole big enough for the boat to fit in it was time to go home.
Give your husband a fish and you can feed him for a day. Engourage him take take up fishing for a hobbie and you can get rid of him for the weekend!
What is the definition of an 'Angler'?
An obsessive individual who owns a house that is falling down due to neglect
WANTED
Woman who can cook, clean, wash and make sweet love. Must have own boat.
If interested, send a photo of the boat to..........
A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish. One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy. The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scale. The baby weighed 22 lbs 10 oz..
"I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife ...best trade I ever made."
Gary Fraser, Canada, ©1999-2011. All Rights Reserved.